Under a rock

I guess having a boyfriend keeps you busy. I haven't updated my blog since a couple days before the relationship started... as was pointed out by Natasha today. So I don't have anything profound to say other than happy Spring. When I get some profound insight, I'll be sure to post it as soon as it comes. (assuming that happens a lot. ha.)

:)

a quick look back

As the year comes to a close, I look back at the most defining moments. I think it's a little cliché, but at the same time, I inevitably do this every end of year. January seems like ages ago, but the re-occurring theme seems to be the definition of Church - what is community, why is it here, or most importantly, what is it? I've read about, heard about and talked about enough post-modern, emergent Christianity to last me a life time - and though I think it's not as new and history-changing as a lot want to feel it is - it still has been a predominant theme in the past year.

For one I'm glad so many people are tired of "sitting in pews" and are digging a little deeper for what it all really means to "church", but on the other hand, I'm wondering if people aren't spending too much time talking and complaining about it rather than actually doing anything about it. And it's not a new discovery.

I read Keith Green's bio last month and was completely floored. How many people know about the kind of stir he created in religion and Christianity back in the late 70s/early 80s? I had no idea the Christian culture and commercialism had already seeped into society way back then. And I had no idea we had someone like Keith Green to expose it for what it was. All this - even before I was born! And here we are... almost 25 years later... thinking we've got new ideas of church and new ways of extracting real Christianity out of the religion box. I wonder how long believers have been frustrated with this in the past 2000 years.

As much as nothing ever seems to be new, I suppose it's always new to us at one point or another. Regardless, it's been an interesting year - and I think as church has simplified and has been peeled back to its purest form for me, it's been enlightening me in ways that I'm sure will impress me for years to come.

Snow!

I don't know how it happened, but it had something to do with snow and wind and cold. I guess it's winter. Ugh. Comes too fast. Somehow the summer always makes me think that the winter could never come back again.

Our Sunday morning Luke-ing has turned into more of a home church. Wow. We've got more people coming than we'd ever expect. The great thing is that people get hooked from just one visit. We constantly challenge, question, explore and marvel. What a breath of fresh air. Haven't felt this good about church in 6 years.

November, typically, is the cloudiest month of the year. Usually quite drab and depressing... but for some reason, I haven't really felt the effects of it too much. Photography school is a hoot and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be. It's a good feeling.

(except today... my windshield wiper fell off my car in the middle of a snowstorm. I've been learning to fix up my car on my own lately. Trying to be smart as a student, and breaking the girl mold, all at the same time. Yes, replacing a wiper was a big feat!)

< procrastination >

Sometimes I think that if I tuck away my assignment papers for long enough, they'll somehow evaporate and I won't have to complete them anymore.

But then reality hits hard and then I decide to get down to business. I have to write a paper assessing my "software". Meaning, my emotional state, my lifestyle, my living situation and my future outlook - so that I can have a better idea on how to get into starting my own photography business. I never thought photography school would involve this - but I suppose there's a business side to any career, even when the career feels more like a fun hobby.

No rest for the weary. I can't wait to go out to see a movie on Friday night. Sucks that Into the Wild finished playing here in the city. I suppose I'll have to wait for its DVD release - or maybe it'll pop up at the cheap seats. (the poor student in me really likes the sounds of that)

< / procrastination >

Eggs anyone?

so... a third of the world is living in poverty and tons of kids are dying of starvation. But here in Canada, kids take perfectly good eggs and decide to chuck them at your house - for fun. Yay. Happy hallowe'en. Now I have to get the mop.

treading through complacency

We all live by some sort of moral standard, a guide, some sort of code of ethics. We live by what we understand. Our actions are results of what we truly are impressed and influenced by. A lot of times, for a lot of us, there is an incongruence between what we say we believe and what our actions actually play out in our life. To say that we believe something, that we *like* a certain type of teaching or standard, and to say we understand it - yet our life is a poor reflection of that - I would say is the ultimate failure.

Success should be measured by our social and spiritual graces - our ability to relate to and love others, and ultimately our ability to express where that motivation comes from. True understanding of what we strive to follow is only successful when it is lived out in full expression. And that translation from understanding it to living it out is only possible through transformation.

I would encourage everyone to understand something powerful enough that it will transform you into a person of action and result. Anything less than that will lack in power and all the work will be left on your shoulders. And we all know how lazy we are. True impact on the world happens through authentic transformation which happens from understanding the purest form of Truth.

Our quest for spiritual awakening is not one to appease our fears and soothe our sadness - it is one of transformation and change. Anything less than God, in my experience as a seeker, is one of defeat and dead ends. Tapping into transformation and change happens with nothing less than the extraordinary. And for that, you'll need a little more than a fun hobby or a comfy Sunday morning service.

10 different ways to light a potato

Reading Week at school is more of a figure of speech. For us it meant no class - tons of assignments and all day and night to shoot. I've never done as much shooting back to back as I have done in the past 5 days. It's actually been the highlight of photography school since I've started (minus not seeing much of the students... I miss them!).

I've learned a few note-worthy things:

- the sky is an expanse worthy of more look ups than it gets from us.
- birds are extremely hard to photograph in mid-flight, in focus
- you can make a potato look romantic in the just the right light
- take the time to stop on the side of the road if you're feeling "it"
- you can say a lot about a person by adding more of their environment rather than cropping in for portraits
- the Red River smells like fish. Day and night.
- check the weather
- don't be scared to ask people if you can take pictures of them or their things
- photographing can be like dancing
- there are huge highs, and huge lows. Stop when you have to, go when you're on fire
- always, always, always bring your tripod
- don't forget to put the camera down and enjoy the people around you
- a lot of self-reflection can be done whether you're on a busy street or in a secluded field
- without sight, none of this would happen. Appreciate what you see and that you can.

my appreciation of art (continues)

Went to see the documentary, "The Rape of Europa" last night. Astonishing! I'm not a big history fan, and as much as I wish I were, I don't know much about European art either... but after watching this documentary, I have a much deeper appreciation for it! Now I wish that I would have paid more attention to the art around me when I was at the Louvres and in Florence. This documentary accentuated the worth of these works of art - not in monetary value but in some sort of spiritual value. The closing comments in the documentary went along the lines of "Humanity needs art. Without art, we are not human." I think art reflects something about the spirituality in all of us. As God, the Artist of the world around us, we reflect some of his truth as we create art. And without art, I think we forget who we really are, and we lose some of our identity. The works that have been created and cherished in the history of art are reflections of a much deeper force that course through all of us. Without art, our meaning and purpose is extinguished.

defaced again

garbage garbage garbage! What is wrong with people on facebook? Are they being transformed by this enormous fad?! People have too much time to waste - creating pointless groups, adding ridiculous applications, playing idiotic games - petting each other's pets??!!

I'm back on facebook, I'm ashamed to say... but it's JUST to keep tabs on my out-of-province friends. Otherwise, I feel like I would never hear from them or be available to them. I feel so dirty for being back on facebook. I have set all my settings to the most private they could be - but there's still some disgrace to being a face in The Book.

ack.

magic in the dark

Photography school is getting increasingly interesting. I'm learning more than I realized there was to learn, and every day I'm finding out how little I know or how much more experience I want to gain. I couldn't be in a better place - full time, at a great photography school, with all the time in the world to apply myself to it. No wonder this is costing so much and requiring so much sacrifice!

This week I made a print from one of my negatives in the dark room for the first time. It's such a magical experience! I can't wait to do more in the dark room! But they're moving us along at baby steps, so that everyone has a chance to catch up. *sigh* Organized school and big classes. I never could get used to it.

good seeing

Our creative imaging class has been stimulating some interesting thought, and though our class hasn't yet come to propel us into lively discussions, I still have been very much inspired in the few discussions and lectures we've had. I'm somewhat more attune to "good seeing" as we've been studying this past week. When you think about it, the reason a good photographer succeeds in capturing a stunning image is because they have the ability to see well - or as I learned, is termed: "good seeing". To take it further, I believe that an artist reaches a height of higher impact when they are able to rid themselves of their self-absorption and self-obsession. Too often, we're way too focused on ourselves, what we want, what we need, and how everything else affects us, that we don't have the capacity or the humility to see beyond the space we occupy and to notice beauty and excellence that already exists around us. It's in times of true selflessness that we are most attune with beauty and truth and how close it brushes us almost every instance of our lives. And to be a truly successful photographer, in my opinion, is to be able to capture and showcase those moments when everyone else seems to have missed it.

1 week in the can

And I finish my first week of class with another blog posting. What I learned this week: I should have a favourite photographer.

I am guilty of not knowing more about photography, its history and its important contributors. So I already have a book on Cartier-Bresson and I will be doing a lot more research. I'm happy to say I've met some really cool people, made a couple good friends, and am looking forward to working and learning with each one of them for the next 10 months. I'm having a ball!

Tuesday night I saw a live show of band #3 of my top 5 current favourite bands that I would like to see live. So far I've seen Sigur Ros, Patrick Watson, and Tuesday night was Mutemath. I now need to see Sufjan Stevens and Wintersleep live and I will have completed my goal of being to each one of their shows. The Mutemath show was incredible, as I expected. It was in a small venue and I was right up front - enjoying all of the sounds and sights. The lead singer is such a performer. Definitely added even more life to their set. They also were projecting random moving images on their backdrop - which was cool - but not as cool as I once thought before I started seeing this sort of thing too often at shows. When I first saw the Absent Sound do this at a show a couple years ago, I was enthralled. Now its glamour has kind of lost its luster, but I still give them an A+ for intent.

I wanted to buy a t-shirt but I'm too poor. All I have is memories... aaaawww....

school cool

I had my first day of school today. No, my mom did not take a picture of me with lunch bag in hand and backpack strapped on securely. I didn't know how much gear to bring, so I brought it all. Even took a couple hours out of my Sunday to "pack" for my first day of school. Turns out all I needed was my journal and pen.

Day 1 of school was fun. Except for the class switch-a-roo they did. I walked into a crowded class full of quiet eager learners, waiting for the teacher to arrive. It was so crowded that I had to scootch my way through rows of students with my 3 heavy bags. (again, in complete silence, and all eyes on the action: which was me) Once I had finally settled into my seat, awkwardly sandwiched between two students after quite the spectacle of "scootching", it dawned on me that every student in this class looked unfamaliar. I threw a general inquiry out to the class - and they confirmed - indeed, you are in the wrong group. Your group is meeting in another classroom.

*blush blush*

Alrighty! So I had to, again, scootch out (not discretely, I'm afraid), and undo my whole entrance. On the way out a girl at the back noticed we were wearing the same black and grey striped t-shirt. I had a lovely conversation with her - in the presence of 12 other pairs of eyes, who had nothing else to do as they sat in utter silence, on their first day of school, waiting for teacher.

I grabbed my bags and escaped with a smile, and some giggles from fellow-students. I was blushing, I'm sure, but at least some of us had a good chuckle about it.

I found my class. Not before I peered into the computer lab, and saw another 12 pairs of eyes look in my direction and point me to the other classroom.

Creative Imaging was my first class and I loved it. I have a feeling my creative juices will be extracted more than I expected and I'm delightfully pleased that they are putting a lot of importance on the art and creativity of photography. This is so much better than a full time job! (and slightly more grueling on the wallet)

Day 1 and my afternoon "lab" consists of reading and commenting in my journal. All of which I am doing under the comforts of my blanket and pillow on the couch. Yes, at home. Too bad it's gloomy & rainy outside. I'd be taking pictures.

Mood = Happy

Reasons -

1) It's a cloudless, sunny, blue-sky day

2) It's Tuesday. I'm not at work.

3) Sipped a cappucino with a baby on my lap this morning.

4) Still apartment-sitting = peace and quiet*.

5) It's week 2 of holidays.

*except between 6:20 and 7:40 this morning. Ms. Loud Walker who lives upstairs had a special someone in bed with her. Unfortunately, it cut into my pre-planned 8 hours of sleep. NOT the sound you want to wake up early to.

flip flop

It's early Sunday afternoon and I am lounging - in the best way that word could ever mean. It's sunny and 20 outside. The windows are open, but all I hear is the fridge buzz. I am doing NOTHING today and that, in the best way the word could ever mean.

I think I'll start with a walk down the street to return a DVD and maybe I'll stop at the sketchy bargain grocery store to pick up some more lime perrier. I'm a poor student but I still like my perrier. I have to compromise and skip Safeway.

Last night I had a sushi-wine-movie night with a friend. Everything was good except the movie. I won't even mention what it was - let's just say the first movie we ever saw together was Catch and Release, and we're doing better at selecting movies together. We were going to watch Breach but we were afraid that our tiredness might hinder our comprehension levels. We settled for something easier.

It wasn't all that bad - the theme was along the same vein as the Painted Veil, about a marriage in turmoil with a redemptive end and a good dose of forgiveness. It's a breath of fresh air to see those qualities in a movie. These days, endings reach "happiness" with not enough substance and sacrifice.

The sidewalk beckons. I'm going to flip flop my way out of this apartment....

another word for

I tend to use Thesaurus.com more than I would like to confess. I don't know what it is about the English language but it seems to be missing so many words. I scroll through scores of synonyms, trying to find that perfect word to match that "idea" in my brain. I usually settle for a word slightly resembling what I think should be used. Either I'm terrible at expressing myself in English, or the language does lack a few concise words.

PS: Thesaurus.com was not used in the writing of this post.

PSS: I discovered lime-flavoured Perrier tonight. The greatest discovery of my week.

PSSS: Go rent the Painted Veil.

all on my lonesome

I'm just rolling ahead at full speed into my holidays. And Holiday Mode is exactly where I'm happy to be. I'm glad to say that I've accomplished a lot so far, and that I haven't wasted too much time bumming around watching tv or sleeping in. Today I took a break from the painting I'm working on for my friends, and decided to spend some me-time at the park. Not too many years ago, I would have never went on an outing all on my lonesome. But I did today, and it felt great. I did a few laps on my rollerblades at the park with mp3's in my back pocket, then settled in on my mexican blanket underneath the evergreen trees for some reading, writing, and contemplation. Being alone is not so bad, but when I got home I was looking forward to going out and seeing people. Alone time for me should come in little doses - but they still are much-needed - as I'm finding in these two weeks. Aaaaw, the freedom. I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

laptopping

I'm surprised to find that there aren't that many free wireless internet locations in Winnipeg. The only ones that I know of are Garage Café (which is super good because they have THE best cappucinos in town), and Espresso Junction. They also have good cappucinos, but the va-et-viens of the hallway-like table layout is a little uncomfortable for laptop users (you never know who's walking up behind you and peering at your screen).

So I went online to check up on other Winnipeg locations that have free wireless internet. Supposedly Finales and Bar Italia have free access. And I just found out that some Boston Pizza locations have free wireless internet. But who would want to surf the web in between sloppy bites of fettucine alfredo?

Many years ago I started towing with the idea of opening up and internet café. I went as far as researching it, and even meeting with a women's enterprise center counselor to help kick start a business plan, but nothing ever came of it. I definitely think there should be more cafés in Winnipeg with free wireless internet. Especially for me in the next few weeks of holidays - I spend a big chunk of my day online and I'd like to stay out of the house as much as possible. Living with the parents isn't the same now that I'm further along in my 20s. I need my space more than I originally realized. I can't wait to move out again! So in the mean time, I'll have to settle for the few locations that do have free internet. Anyone know of any other locations?

Changing shoes

I found my little red Duffs in a big store in the biggest mall in Minneapolis. I fell in love with them. And they were cheap! I was so proud of them, and I made sure everyone at work got to drool over them. I was so infatuated by these little red runners that my co-worker and I declared "Red Shoe Day" and invited everyone to come in the next day with red shoeware to celebrate.

I bought them the same weekend I went to see Sigur Ros live in concert at the Orpheum Theatre. I don't know what it is that makes my red shoes so magical, but it's not just their colour. I think it's because that weekend centered around the best music I had ever seen live, and anything attached to that experience, red duffs included, turned into something magical and extravagant. My senses were alive, and so were these shoes.

This was over a year ago. Since then, my poor shoes weathered an unfortunate run with a wet paintball field. No less than 2 months after they were pulled out from the crisp tissue paper folds of the box, I wore them on a tv shoot for work - at a paintball place. I didn't think ahead of time. I came home with paint stains in all primary colours all over their red coat. I scrubbed them madly. The result? A faded red coat. Not pink... but it definitely lost its original radiance.

Nevertheless, I could not disown my little red shoes - which had become my pride and joy, the topic of many conversations and the object of an office-wide holiday.

My shoes lost its rich red coat almost on day one. But I have worn them through, even until today. They now have a few tiny holes shredded through on the sides and they have morphed and stretched into uneven shapes. But they're still my little red shoes.

I weathered a big month this August. It's getting rougher by the day, but it's really Change I'm feeling right now. I've seen two of my closest friends move away, I'm approaching my last day at my favourite place of work, and I'm gearing up for a year of scholastic unknowns. I'm learning to take the time to mourn the departure of friends, and the departure of a good phase in life. I'm recognizing that Change highlights the value of the past and confirms that there is something worth missing. Its worth is emphasized in the extent of the sadness. Change is only good when it's sad, yet hopeful of the unknowns.

The state of my red shoes is sad. But it's only sad because I know what they used to look like and when I wear them, I remember that glorious walk as I left the Orpheum Theatre. I just look at my feet and I can't help but smile, though I know that one day soon I'll find a newer, more exciting pair of shoes.

I think I see green in my future.

Oh, change, and all the fun we have writing about it.

I'm cooped up in my room, listening to the squirrels chirp outside (yes, chirp), and watching too many movie trailers online. I'm also watching my last days at work quickly winding down and a much-needed change coming slower than I wanted. School looms around the corner and I've had too much time to anticipate it. But still I know September will come faster than I want while I watch two of my good friends moving away, one provinces away, and another continents away. I'll also have to close the book on a job that's been just as much a place of friends as it's been a wonderful learning experience. Not only that, but I'll be stepping out of a comfortable routine I've carefully nurtured since escaping high school. I have very specific expectations for school, but I also know that I have a lot of unknowns to encounter. I'm expecting growth and revelations, but at the same time, I'm learning to find joy in defeat. I have much more to learn, of which the most important will probably happen outside of class. I think school will become my new context, and new and old friends will take the place of the ones leaving and the ones I'm leaving, but I hope change won't become my excuse to "rediscover" life. That happens whether you're looking for it or not.

As much as life transitions are significant (and fun to anticipate), I think putting so much value on them takes the significance out of life. I have to remember that it's not where I've been, where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with or for. I think it's more about how much I can relate to life immediately around me. Sometimes we seek change so that we have an excuse for tuning out of life when it seems to have expired around us.

Yes, I'm excited about change, but at the same time, I have to remember that you can't invest in change - you can only invest in your immediate surroundings. I think that's what I think. Well, at least, I know that's what I'm thinking now. My trains of thoughts might alter a bit once I'm chin-deep in school.